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What Women Want

Yo, I’ll tell you what I want, what I really, really want
So tell me what you want, what you really, really want
I’ll tell you what I want, what I really, really want
So tell me what you want, what you really, really want
I wanna, (ha) I wanna, (ha) I wanna, (ha) I wanna, (ha)
I wanna really, really, really wanna zigazig ah


First of all, I was today years old when I found out what the Spice Girls actually say in this song. I have no idea what zigazig-ing is but it made them a lot of money so it must be quite something.

Secondly, I have no idea what women want. (No one does!) It is a catchy title though, right?

But I wouldn’t bait you like that. I’m not Ghafla! or that other one… what’s its name… I’ll tell you when I remember it…* The title actually fits into what I’m about to tell you.

Why don’t we get this story started

A few years ago, when I was a first year in the university, I found out that as a computer science student, I had to take Math. It wasn’t a suggestion but a requirement. I don’t know why in the world Math was required because in my third and fourth years we had nothing to do with it. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate math but apart from counting your blessings and money, is it really necessary?

Is it?

However, since I had to take it, I was introduced to mathematical logic. If this then that. Rather simple in theory a lot more difficult in practice. I almost failed that class but the Lord. Still, logic is cool. It’s how men think. We don’t tie our decisions to what we just realized we should have known last year. We (mostly) live in the now.

If hungry then eat.

If tired then rest.

If craving something (because we too get cravings) then get that thing.

If constipated then take a laxative.

Men are simple beings.


Women though…

I just gave my wife this draft to read and she did that hands akimbo thing. Don’t look at me like that, woman! You know you’re complicated.

Women can’t be understood.

For example, for weeks I have been pestered (read nagged)  to go get some pork for some recipe my wife found on Facebook. Some chef she follows had posted something. I said it was fine that I’d get the pork. Unfortunately, I did not mention when that would happen but here’s the thing, ladies, if a man says he’ll do something (and he says it in that definite way that you know he isn’t lying) then he’ll do it. You don’t have to remind us every hour of every day. We know! Sometimes I swear I could set my watch to this pork reminder (read nag).

So yesterday at 1 pm…

Wait, so you were asked for weeks about this pork and you responded yesterday?

Yes. Sometimes we take our time because you’re being difficult. It’s a rebellion thing. Don’t ask me to explain.

So yesterday we got the pork. Finally. And because of my benevolent nature, I offered to help her prepare it. She agreed and all was right in the world.

Also, I ended up cooking it myself because my wife is a mastermind schemer like that.

But imagine this, after spending over an hour (do you know how much time that is in gas minutes?) on this dead pig, she didn’t want to eat it. She absolutely refused. Something about the smell but what in the actual pork? In my logical mind that is like asking for a car and refusing to drive it.

BTW, ile gari haikuja. Lord, are you planning a surprise?

She ate only 2 pieces. The rest of the kilo was mine. I’m not complaining though, because I make a mean spicy pork dish. I’ll share the recipe one day. But seriously, what’s the point of having bomb skills in the kitchen if you don’t get to rub them in other people’s faces? I spent time on that pork. That pork was my baby and she refused to eat it.

Disclaimer: We do not eat babies, no matter how cute they are.

I was this close to filing for divorce. The nerve!

And that’s only one instance.

The other happened just a few minutes ago.

Both of us were bored. We had just watched the movie Skyscraper but most of it is in Chinese. Since we don’t live along Thika Road, we found that a bit offputting. But Bible study wasn’t for another few hours and my schedule writing time is 7 pm, so before then we wanted something to kill the time. Ambient noise, if you will.

I always wanted to find out what that Beast Master show on Netflix was about but noooo… Wifey said and I quote, “Sitaki kuona hio kitu. Inakaa boring.”

Today, however, I played an episode and now she’s all like, “Ebu pause. Nakuja.”


Seriously though, what do you guys want?

Quit playing games with my heart.


*Mpasho. That’s the name I was forgetting! Phew, I was worried about my memory for a moment.


Comments: 8
  • Rioba October 15, 2018 10:15 am

    When you are asked to do something and you say you’ll do it. For crying out loud can you please specify when you’ll do it? ?

    That’s what we want.

    Also, yes. Pork does have a weird smell. Sometimes you want it sometimes we don’t.

    • Mark October 16, 2018 12:25 pm

      Specifying ruins the surprise.

  • Wambui October 16, 2018 10:20 am

    I recently found this blog.I am having some boom time in this space.But seriously we hate waiting.

    • Mark October 16, 2018 12:34 pm

      First of all, Karibu sana. Hope you enjoy the blog.
      Secondly, patience is a virtue.

  • JudgeandJury. October 16, 2018 11:53 am

    just arrived all the way from bikozulu’s blog….and may i say,me likes mark!!

  • Mathai October 27, 2018 9:19 pm

    IDK Mark but Mastermind Schemer saw a recipe for ‘Ngarango’ and you with your oblate spheroid head went spicy on the ‘dead pig’ and you expect her to eat ?

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