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Shock and Awe

It’s Friday afternoon. Or is it Friday evening? I’ve always wondered when afternoon ends and evening begins. Does evening start from 3 pm? 4 pm? 7? And when does evening end because Catherine Kasavuli and Njoroge Mwaura used to tell me “Good evening,” at 9:45 pm and I’m quite sure that anything after 8 is nighttime.

It’s a Friday eveternoon, I’m at my desk at work. I want to work but instead, I’m searching for something to watch tonight that my wife won’t fall asleep in the middle of. The Devil Wears Prada. That should do. It’s one of those movies I have seen only once but wouldn’t mind seeing again. And yes, I know that it is a chic-flick but you can keep your toxic masculinity to yourself, thank you very much. I will watch chic-flicks because I like them. Also, when you watch these types of movies, your balls will not disappear, contrary to popular belief.

Bitmoji Image

Shocking, I know.

So, I get the movie and proceed to continue not working by playing that game I told you guys about. I had quit it but… in the words of the poet Tyrese, “Every time I try to leave, something keeps pulling me back, me back.” There I am, driving virtual cars because Lord Jesus hasn’t manifested my physical BMW yet. Then I get a text from my wife.

“There are people in the house,” she says.

“What people?” I text back.

“It’s the police.”

I crash my virtual Ferrari.

“Excuse me?”

“They just barged in here. They say they’re checking to see whether we’re hiding someone.”

“I’ll be right there,” I say. But then I don’t immediately get up to go home. Why? Because, what if they’re looking for me?Bitmoji Image


I’d like to think that I am an upstanding member of society but the truth is I have once or twice disobeyed the law. Most recently, I downloaded The Devil Wears Prada. That’s a crime, right? Piracy…

Also, my KRA portal says I have unpaid tax. I don’t but the system claims that I do. Perhaps they were looking for tax evaders (of which, to clarify, I am not. The system just says that I am. Don’t believe the machines. Skynet is out to get us all.) #JudgementDay

My heart drops but I psyche myself up to go home. I figure that if I am arrested, I have several uncles who are lawyers.

Jesus is also a lawyer.

My little children, I am writing this to you so that you may not sin; but if anyone does sin, we have an advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous – 1 John 2:1

I get home and find three CID officers. Two men and a lady. All three are burly individuals. One couldn’t guess they were law enforcement. I mean, have people in law enforcement never heard of gyms? Why are our officers so huge? How can they even chase someone? Ai, surely!

They tell me not to worry, which I interpret as they aren’t here for me. Thank God. But they don’t tell me who/what they’re looking for. Also, I wanted to ask whether they had a warrant to check my home but I forgot and I didn’t think they would understand me. I don’t mean to say they are dumb but I have dealt with people who are threatened by knowledge and Friday eveternoon is not the time to threaten such people.

After a while, they leave and I get to know what was going on. Understand this, guys, I don’t look for mucene, mucene looks for me. It just comes to me. There was a murder, and the culprit was seen around these here parts (kindly read the underlined in a cowboy accent).

A lover’s quarrel. A sad story. A life cut short.

There are too many of these happening nowadays. You would think that it won’t affect you but one day you may get three burly and brutish people banging on your door looking for fugitives. Value life, people. And if you quarrel with your significant other, and you see/feel things are or will get out of hand, leave. They’re not the only ones with genitals if the genital tango is what you want.

But if you want love, love is patient and kind (1 Corinthians 13).

Love will die for you not kill you.


Happy Valentine’s.Bitmoji Image




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