Progress

“Well, we’re moving on up
(Moving on up!)
To the East side,
(Moving on up!)
To a deluxe apartment in the sky…”

Hola, mi gente (Hello, my people).

Holy crap! It’s almost been 3 whole months!

What in the world?
I’m sorry for keeping you waiting for so long. Yes, I still possess the use of my limbs and I was not on life support or anything like that. Things have sort of just been happening.
Actually, in my defence, I was waiting for someone to be sworn in as the President. Or more accurately, I was waiting for the news to stop reading “Decision 2017” and “Uchaguzi 2017” or “Kenya Decides” or some other form of election malarkey.  And since tomorrow is the actual ceremony, I thought, “Close enough. It has been forever.”
But enough about that.
I hope I can still churn out content. So, moving on…

I thought I’d catch you up on what’s been going on in my life (since that’s why you’re here anyway). First, since the year is almost over, we can go through My Resolutions and see whether I have won 2017.
This will only take a sec.

• Lose weight

Last time we met our hero, he was battling cholesterol and the incessant need to feed on fried potatoes. I mean, what was his deal? Could he be stopped? Could he look at his diet and somehow, by some magician’s craft, see that he needed greens on his plate?
No.
The answer is no.
He’s still fat… His spirit animal is a balloon. A hot-air balloon.

I kid. I did lose the weight. Most of it, anyway. There’s still this bit of fat on my sides that makes me want to consider liposuction, but it’s probably not that bad. An overreaction on my part. However, BMI is normal and now I can actually have fries after sidelining them for oh so long.

Exercise works, you guys.

 

•  Get a girlfriend

Um… Let’s revisit this later.

 

• Stop comparing myself to other people

Um… It’s still hard, but it has improved.

Side note: This sounds like a guy talking to a doctor about his mishap with an anatomy enhancing supplement… My brain is weird.

 

• Watch less TV, read more books

This isn’t working out as well as I hoped. But, I did read the 13 Reasons Why book so I’m not watching that series (Because the book is always better!).
Currently reading Gone Girl.

 

• Write a post at least once a week

I’m sorry. Let’s not even talk about this one.

 

• Be more truthful

The truth shall set thee free. Lying is too much work, guys.

 

• Procrastinate less

We’ll talk about this next year.

 

• Be less sarcastic

Not happening.

 

• Spend less time on the phone

I have weaned off of Instagram. It doesn’t take up most of my time like it used to.
I am cured.

 

• Be less sarcastic, for real

Let us all laugh.

 

• Get a girlfriend

If you read This Post is About: Miracles, you know that I found someone (who gives back my hoodies, Sweet Jesus!). Aside from losing weight, this is my ultimate achievement of 2017.

Let me now tell you how Boy Child is blessed. I shall use the wonderful medium that is Bitmoji:

First of all, Boy Child was thinking he would die single because who had time to look for a significant other?

Boy Child barely had time to post on the blog.

But then one day, Boy Child saw someone… A Queen (Not of the Slay variety)

She was …

If this were Tinder, Boy Child would totally

But Boy Child is shy so he had to use proven tactics. He had to be smart. Or silly. Or clever. That sense of humour thing. Something like this (not actually what happened though):

It helped that Boy Child had lost weight and didn’t look like a troll.
Queen saw the struggle and agreed to a pity date. (That’s what actually happened).

But Boy Child is smooth. All he needed was an opening (get your mind out of the gutter). And before long…

How could she resist this beefcake? Plus her pets liked him (Because I, myself, am a loveable creature). 

So that’s how I got a girlfriend.
But wait, there’s more:

Yes, I am for real.
See, after all that, Boy Child decided one day to buy Queen some jewellery. And not just any ol’ chain or a pair of earrings, that kneeling down type of jewellery. That bling that is usually accompanied by a big question…

What the heck?
She said, “Yes!” BTW. (More accurately, she said, “Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!” Like twenty times, and then she said, “Yes!”)

I’m engaged, people!

Secondly, just so you know, planning a wedding sucks.