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New Year’s Resolutions

The first post in two months! The block is gone! Hallelujah!
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Ahem. Forgive me for my enthusiasm. It’s just that, my words are back and I’ve never been happier.
That’s a lie. I have been happier. I’m a happy person… I think.

Anywho, Happy New Year guys! How was your Christmas? I bet some of you can’t remember coz you were so drunk. Maybe on the first of January, you were telling yourself you’d drink a little less this year. How’s that working out for you?

Speaking of New Year’s Resolutions, I thought I’d share mine with you. Now, usually I don’t make resolutions (because they are a waste of time and energy) but this year I thought, “Hey, Donald Trump became a President. I can also do something equally as massive like… I don’t know… read a book, maybe?”

So, here’s my list. And it’s January 31st so I’ll let you know how I’m doing with each item.

 

  1. Lose weight

The human male has a tendency of storing excess fat in his midsection. Biology is a bitch. Why, Jesus? Why?
I have a fat issue. I’m not saying I’m fat, coz I’m not. Not anymore. Some of you are, though. Some of you need help. Like seriously. (I am not fat-shaming people. I’m just saying that some of you could be less fat).

As I was saying, I have fat tissue. It clings to me like love grass. Like blackjack hooks. Like a clingy girlfriend who’s always calling or texting. Who’s always over at your place just eating your food and holding your hand and changing the channels so you have to watch what she wants to watch and you can’t even look at your phone because she wants quality time and Never. Wants. To. Leave! Sigh. Deep breaths.

I’ve been exercising, though. Exercise is not pleasant but I’ve stuck to it. Hopefully, it pays off and my fat disintegrates and fades off into the sunset where it can burn for eternity. *Fingers crossed*.

 

  1. Get a girlfriend

Hopefully not a clingy one.

You cannot begin to imagine the number of my friends and peers getting married and/or having children out of wedlock. I also want children. Not now, but someday. And I would like it if there’s a Mrs. Majesty first because that’s supposed to be the order of things. It’s even in rhyme – First, comes love, then comes marriage then comes a baby in a baby carriage. It’s fantastically simple.

The only problem is I am an introvert and antisocial AF. This one might take a while, guys. But the year is young. I still have 11 months.

 

  1. Stop comparing myself to other people

If you can read, which I know you can (this isn’t a photoblog), you know that I already failed to keep this one. I mean… just look at number 2.

 

  1. Watch less TV Series and Movies and read more books

The year started on a high note. I had a plan to consume every bit of literature I could get my hands on or illegally download. Sadly, I have not read anything in 31 days that wasn’t an email or an Instagram caption. I’m a fraud! My life is a lie! ?

Pray for me.

 

  1. Write a post at least once a week

In my defence, I was waiting for the Chinese New Year. It’s the Year of the Rooster by the way. KANU and the Luhya Community should be thrilled.
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We’ll see if I can come up with something next week.

 

  1. Be more truthful

? Why the hell you lyin’? Why you always lyin’?? 

I want to tell the truth more. To live life with brutal honesty. No white lies (that’s racist), no fibs, no embellishments. If you ask me if that dress makes you look fat I will tell you that the dress is fine. And if you ask again I will say that it enhances the fat you already have.

Don’t ask me questions this year. Just don’t.

 

  1. Procrastinate less

Let’s just skip this one.

 

  1. Be less sarcastic

Ha!

This won’t happen.

 

  1. Spend less time on the phone

I’m trying, guys. I really am.

Instagram is evil. I think I’ve said this before.

I think I’m addicted.

Help me.

Rehab!

 

  1. Be less sarcastic for real

Pffffffttttttt! Hahahaha! ? ? ?

Lmao

Still funny.

That’s my list. Is there anything you think I’ve missed? Any way you think I can improve this existence of mine?
Come on, you’re my friends. You can tell me. I won’t get mad. I promise.

Comments: 10
  • RuthyStevens January 31, 2017 1:51 pm

    You are hilarious. looking forward to all the posts you’ll write.

  • theimaasai January 31, 2017 9:58 pm

    Hahaha ? boss…. Year of the rooster…….. I see what you did there…. I know you’ll tell me that phrase is so last year but hey I’m still making resolutions or procrastinating… Maybe I’ll make them and include letting go of last year’s lingo…let me remind you that there are a lot of movies and new serae to watch and you’ll be the one to download all

  • Rih February 1, 2017 1:25 pm

    ???? hilarious. Also Why can’t it be.. read more books and still watch lots of series? ?

  • Angelica Nankinga February 1, 2017 3:25 pm

    You are seriously funny. I love this piece. Please keep them coming and let’s fight that procrastination this year. You can also check out my website on http://www.afripastravel.com for some travel stories. Good read.

  • Grace February 3, 2017 8:54 am

    Funny but real

  • Wainaina February 6, 2017 1:14 pm

    Hahaha Mark, or get those overpriced tummy ‘trainers’ for women.
    Anyway, good read.
    No.2, 5 and 7 will be the hardest! ?

  • edithdavey February 7, 2017 6:00 pm

    I think I’ll borrow some of your resolutions. No 4&1. You funny n i love the sarcasm..don’t lose it

  • Pingback: This Post is About: Progress – Mark Majesty November 27, 2017 11:36 pm

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