I wake up at 5 am on most days. Some days even earlier. I wish I could say it’s because I’m always super motivated to take on the day. Seize the opportunity! Carpe the Diem! But no. It’s because the cats want food.

They will claw at the door until they get a response and the response better be. “Fine, I’m coming,” otherwise they’ll keep doing it. It’s a horrible sound. Scratch scratch scratch scratch, like they’re trying to burrow in through the floor. If they’re in the room, Chris Brown will gnaw on an exposed limb (lightly, lovingly) until someone stirs, Zabimaru will less delicately jump on me or Eve.

Mostly me.

Bitmoji Image

So each day I wake up and after feeding the cats, I go on Instagram and scroll through my feed. A hundred memes later, I’ll hop onto the explore tab and be bombarded with images of fitness ‘gurus’.

See, I made the mistake of following one or two fitness influencers (fitfluencers if you will) because hey, I’m only human, and they had good content. Who doesn’t like to see attractive people do pullups and muscle ups and throw around tractor tyres? Who would want to do (or imagine doing) all that calisthenics crap stuff? So Facebook (the company not the app) knows I’m a fitness enthusiast and they want me to see even more images of these people and their impossible abs.

If you have been following for a while, you know I’ve been looking for abs since kitambo. I haven’t found them yet but there’s still hope, right?

i can't hear you


Anyway, if you know anything about this modern world of ours, you know everything is connected. Everything is programmed to steer you to do something. To take an action. Therefore, unsurprising, after seeing all the obliques on Instagram, I comply with the programming and head over to YouTube (which is owned by Google) and type in something exercise-related. Then I proceed to torture myself for 20 to 40 minutes. Every. Single. Day.

Except for Thursday and Sunday.

The cats, their bellies full, perch on the arms of the sofa and stare at me like I’m crazy. They may be onto something there. I mean, I have never seen a cat do crunches. Or a cat with massive quads.

Anyway, I started writing this because I noticed something. Something sinister hiding in plain sight. All these training videos have extremely violent titles.

Explosive HIIT Workout! Killer Core Routine! Crush Your Cardio Goals! Destroy Your Legs With This Workout!

Dear Jesus! I like my legs. I don’t want to destroy them.

Why so violent? Why so destructive? Can’t we just perch on the sofa with the cats and chill?

my cat says hi


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